I felt like Job must have felt when he said in Job 3:25+26
25 For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto me.
26 I was not in safety, neither had I rest, neither was I quiet; yet trouble came.
As I realized that my gateway to the world was probably broken I could feel my breath being sucked out of my body and my chest tightening up. To me at that moment this was the worst thing that could happen. I paid my bills on line, I wrote this blog on line, because of my disability this was my main source of communication. Add to that the fact that my wife was stuck in another state for the last few months and probably would not be back for another few months just made matters worst.
When Job said those lines he was referring to losing his family and his wealth to sudden calamities and disasters after years of praying for them and making offerings for his family just in case they did not do it for themselves. The room had to be spinning when the reports started coming in and so it was with me as I realized my computer was dead.
Fear is the lack of faith and at that moment I did not react from faith but from fear. The reason why it hit me so hard was because I knew that I had no money, no way of fixing it on my own. If I had
$10,000 in the bank would I have been so upset? No because I could have easily resolved the problem by fixing it or buying a new one, but I did not have that option so I sought out other options in my mind, maybe call my brother or some other family member for some help or maybe my Pastor could help me with something. The thought of life without my computer seemed unbearable.
Right in the middle of my anxiety attack God spoke up, He said "Darrell! why are you so upset? wasn't I in all the trials and tribulations? Wasn't there a reason for the pestilence?" I answered Him saying "yes" "So trust me I'm in this also" It's funny how we trust God after we've run out of other things to trust in. I began to pray with my wife who was on the phone with me when all these things happened. We prayed and I asked For forgiveness for my lack of faith and I began accept the fact that God had a reason for allowing this to happen.
As began to relax and accept the possibility that I was going to be offline for awhile I began to look at my fear and thought about 2nd Timothy 1:7+8
8 Be not thou therefore ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me his prisoner: but be thou partaker of the afflictions of the gospel according to the power of God;
No God has not given us the spirit of fear, We give it to our selves. When our deep inner fears are exposed, our first thoughts are "How can I fix it?" we want to cover them back up as soon as we can, prayer and seeking God takes too long so that's not our first option.
After my wife and I had prayer there was no noticeable movement in the natural, the computer remained "dead". Later I prayed and had my normal nightly devotion. I anointed myself with oil as usual and I heard "anoint the computer" so I did. I continued to pray and when I opened my eyes there was a red light blinking on the computer! I said "thank you Jesus! this must mean something." I booted up the computer and I shouted "Hallelujah!!" as it began to run as good as new. After that, every time that computer responded to my commands I would break out in tongues and praises to God. God is great and greatly to be praised! He cares about us! There is no concern to small or to big! I'm learning that absolute Faith overcomes the sum of all fears.
God Bless you all, Brother Darrell, A Watchman